Sunday, July 30, 2006

Everything will be alright - The Killers

I was in church today and i was praying and i was thinking about how fast this week has passed right by. And it's scary too, how the years and months and weeks, days, hours, minutes just fly by without you even having time to look up and appreciate moments for any longer than a second. But still, the emotions that were experienced at that point of times still linger on.

Yesterday was speech day (pics uploaded soon) I sat Sam Lee from across the road, before even stepping into school and it was like fantastic cos we both recognised each other despite being 30m away, across a road. Waving frantically, i felt like a maniac standing alone amidst strangers but the welcome back hug was exactly what i needed (: We stepping into school and as we walked through, i got the huge rush of adrenaline, coupled with the biggest wave of nostalgia since i can't even remember when. As we stood on the brigde linking the 3rd floor staff room and the library, i peered down at the parade square and i swear i felt like crying. Everything was basically the same, the same building structure, the same kind of hustle and bustle and warmth that i loved so much in Crescent. But there was such subtle differences, even with the teachers, though the same, maybe because of experiences over the past 8 months that we had been absent, maybe the school and people in it had grown (of course they had) and feeling it made me feel like a stranger in a familier land. It was the same feeling as being outside looking in. I felt delighted, excited, hugely happy to be back but at the same time, sad for being away so long, for times spent in Crescent never to be experienced again, and missing. Missing every single little thing about my time there.

Speech day was emotional for me! I know a lot of people find it plastic-y but really, it was an amazing homecoming. Knowing how well we did (BAND ONE; TOP 10 SCHOOLS IN SINGAPORE AFTER CLASS OF 2005!!!), just thinking about how everyone's grown. It was very nice (: It got me thinking and indeed, Crescent was my home. And i think it will always be my first love. It's where i met the best people, went through the most ups and downs, and had the most amazingly wonderful times of my life. I miss it so much :( Some days you think 'i should have held on to it for longer, i should have treasured it more.' and that familier pangs of regret hit the surface of your heart. I feel it too but you know what? We'll always have them inside of us and we have to move on, slowly but surely. Get out while the going's good. We grow, we move on.. But we never forget. Ever.

To the no nuts, hockers and 4C2: You guys made my years there and i love all of you to bits and pieces. Missing, always (:

I've come to the conclusion that i fall asleep very, very easily and it's kinda scary, really. A bit embarrassing too when i'm by myself and fall asleep on the bus (FRONT) and nearly fall off my seat and everyone can see and yes, quite embarrasing.


Ugh i miss you so much and it's not fair that you get to go to London while, despite my (sudden) London cravings you're there while i'm not. IT'S NOT FAIR!!! I need you right now, for your snide comments, your sarcastic remarks and for you being me and knowing me and loving me and for me not having to explain my cravings, needs, wants and actions. I miss you :(

I don't know what i'm doing again. I feel it going right back to what i had been avoiding from the start and i'm scared. I think i've been selfish, or have i just been too accomodating? Why can't i say no? One day this is going to get me into trouble and i fear, even when that day comes, i won't be able to resist temptations. When it's that against the head and heart, what if my head and heart loses? I'm going against my every belief and breaking out of the perimeters of the rules i set for myself. Even though it makes me smile for that split second, i know it's just temporary happiness for me.. Does that make it wrong? Does it make it wrong to leave feeling even more empty than before? I guess we're all still searching for things to satisfy and make us smile for more than a day.

I was thinking back to when there was an us. And looking back, i'm so happy there isn't anymore. When we were together you only hurt me and maybe i was the cause of that? Or maybe it was your indifference. But i know how that feels now and i don't blame you, not one bit. I'm scared that i'll never feel how you made me feel even on the worst days because you were the best i ever had. But for now, i can look at happy couples and be happy cos finding love like that's just so rare and special.. Maybe one day a nice boy will come and sweep me off my feet and not make me cry but that would be pure perfection and that just doesn't happen in real life. So for now, i've got other things on my plate.. I'm just not ready to cry again.

it's nice to go into class and smile like a silly little school girl.

More and more recently i've been thinking about going overseas after my As. I think it's cos so many people i've grown to love have been moving away. Soon there won't be anyone here for me anymore. And Singapore's gotten so stifling and.. Small. I'm craving new experiences, a change of scenery, of people, of problems. I don't know.. Maybe.

Lord, i turn to you. I was searching for some sort of escapism, maybe that's how my getting away to London cravings started up but that's when i realised that i didn't need to escape. I have You to take me away and fill the emptiness with peace. So many days in life are spent looking for a way to feel complete and to take the empitness away, Lord fill the hole in my heart with that same peace that you repeatedly shower on me in my times of despair. I trust you, Lord, with all my heart. Amen

-dreamin' bout' those dreamy eyes.

ex-oh, ex-oh
11:52 PM